R*n Report: Hash 907, June 2nd, 2019

Location; Antibes

Hares; Contessa and Cumalot.

Scribe; Drew Peacock

You’ll Never Walk Alone and Tits like Coconuts.

See below for an explanation.

Find the car park and walk, or catch the free shuttle bus, to the start about 1.5kms. away.Normally this would be a recipe for disaster but if you give enough monkeys a typewriter eventually one would write some Shakespeare.

Sure enough all the monkeys were at the start, straining at the bit, raring to go.But, I could not even find one to write this drivel and I have been lumbered to do it..

We welcomed two visitors Bare and Whine from the world centre of Home Brewing, Jeddah and his unsuspecting partner who, until this day, did not know about his secret life, Raha from Poitier where they make real wine. 

Both being originally from Lebanon …………

As they informed me, to commemorate the end of Ramadan and Eid Al Fitr,  you can now buy Chicken killed in the traditional Muslim way.

What I want to know is how do you strap a rucksack to a Chicken ?

The hares decided that as we had not Hashed in Antibes for some time they would give us two for the price of one.At least we were warned about it before the off.

Sadist and Padre, both crocked and unable to run, decided they would take their chances on the runners trail, along with Raha who when she saw their finely toned bodies straining at the bit raring to go also figure she would be able to keep up with them even though she originally planned to walk.

Off we go and on time. Wow !

First check and it is obvious we are going along the ramparts towards the lighthouse at the top of the hill for a beer stop.This is where years of experience and over 500 runs with the Riviera HHH come into play………..

Sadist figured it all out and headed off in the right direction, but about 2kms. too early and, therefore, there was no trail to follow.Sadist’s version of the Liverpool F.C. (Champions of Europe) supports club, “You’ll Never Walk Alone.”

Only in this case he did. See his separate report.

As a child I watched The Wizard of Oz and wondered how the Scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I joined the world wide phenomenon the Hash House Harriers and had it demonstrated on numerous occasions.

A vigorous perambulation, with the pretence of running, around the built up areas of Antibes old town, dodging the meandering tourists and back to the parapet.


Descending the parapet we head along the coast, beside the beach, where the most cerebral of discussions took place.Where have all the topless sunbathers gone? They seem to be an endangered species.

When I first visited France as a young tourist all those years ago the ladies with tops to their Bikinis were the exception. Now it is hard for a Perv. and dirty old man like me to find an subject for my bird watching.

I was told that Tits like coconuts so it may help if I dressed as one.Years of perving have taught me…………………………

Apparently women are now having mini speakers inserted with their breast augmentation as they complain that men men always 

stare at their Tits but never listen to them..

Then it is windy, windy towards the lower slopes of final climb to the Garoupe light house and the much needed re hydration point.

Our dedicated beer master even manage to arrive just in time to prevent us from breaking into her car again with her keys to the dray.

Some of the walkers were feeling pretty chuffed with themselves to have walked all that way up to the high point but I would suggest they do not look at the following or their balloon may become deflated……………………..

https://www.bbc.com/sport/athletics/47507319  (Women’s 50 km walk. Under 4 hrs.)

A much needed re hydration, suck the salt of some peanuts and chips, (Crisps if you speak the Queens English.) and back into the groove.

From the heights the only way is down. Who was it who said I do not mind going down?

The pack running (?) in front of back markers, Raha who by this time was beginning to find the going a little arduous, not a bad effort considering it was her first ever Hash, Padre who just plain knackered, and Bare and Whine who was concerned his partner was being left with the Perv. was just visible in front until they turned a corner and disappeared somewhere into the distance.They knew where they were going……..He He……….

The small, retarded group, used team work and kept together, solving checks and continuing to mark the correct trail.(Why when the others are in front and not helping you. Ed.)

Supermarket Trolley, Prestressed and Buns (?)  Cumalot (?) and some more (?) suddenly appeared from behind and the pack was all back together again. Now you know why Ed.You never know who is behind you………..

He’s behind you.

Oh no he isn’t.

Oh yes he is.

Oh no he’s not.

And so on………..

A complete circumnavigation of the pimple on the Cape d’Antibes and a gently run through the town back to the start.

While we all like long ones, this was Hash was very good value, B.O.G.O F, of you like. Prestressed managed to run (?) 14 km.plus and Bare and Wine nearly 16 kms..

So I make that 2km of shortcutting for Prestressed!

A few energetic souls decided to run to the car park. (This is where the beer and circle will be located.) and the sloths decided to wait for the free shuttle bus.

And before you ask. No ! The Hash is not going to start supplying diet water with reduced calories.

The afters.

Down Downs were awarded to, or earned by……….

The Hares; Contessa and Cumalot,

Visitors; Bare and Whine and Maneater.

Mugless and contributing to the destruction of the planet by generating plastic waste; SuperMarket Trolley, No Grappa, Long and Hard, Smellly Pooh, Maneater.

Canadians; (For some reason or other,) Buns, Sex Club, Farty Bum. 

FartyBum was supposed to sing a song as she is the only one who professes to be able to sing but a severe case of stage fright rendered her speechless. (You had to be there. Ed.)

Previously she had been trying to tell the R.A. how to award D.D.s and run the circle.How she escaped with out a nomination for Shit of the Week I will never know.

Returners; Phillipe N.N., Sex Club, Poke My Hole, Smelly Pooh, No Grappa. (Snow White missed her D.D. as she disappeared before the circle.)

Blocking Prestressed’s Passage; Dire Rear, Marcel Marceau, Long and Hard.

Non Walking Walker; Maneater

Traffic Warden Duty; Sadist(He could have had his Birthday D.D. this hash, or the next, as his birthday in slap bang in the middle between the two.However, he did not want to tempt fate and have it early just in case he did not make it to the actual day.)

Shit of the Week;Nominations……….

Gorgeous Edna; (An inveterate walker) for trying to lead runners astray by shouting he was on trail when standing on a cross.)

Prestressed; for trying to shortcut by running through a cross.Padre; I can not read the notes

And the winner by popular vote…….drum roll……………..

Prestressed and lovingly administered by the Virgin Raha who still did not have a clue what she had let herself in for.

A quick wrap up and dash to reach the restaurant at the allocated time where we treated to some delicious food and three amazing waiters who actually smiled and seemed to enjoy their task of providing for the disparate, disorderly, dysfunctional, slightly intoxicated group.

Superb food and pleasant surroundings.

All that was left was for the hard core to adjourn to The Duke and some of Colgan’s best offerings with the added attraction of being able to watch ayoung, almost virginal, Male England side defeat an experience. gnarled Barbarian Rugby side 51 to 43.

Triffic game !


What more could a man, (woman) ask for……………..?

Please excuse my poor spelling but I have dyslexia…..

Wehn they tlod me they had fuond a cure for Dislexsia it was music to my arse.

Not sure abuot ti thoguh !

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