R*nners Report: Hash 910, July 14th, 2019

Run no; 910

Hares Sadist and Levrette,

Location; Parc du Souvenir, near Vence

Scribe; Ken U. Beeleevit and Karen Kareless.

I have been tasked with making up a run report and so what follows is what I think may have happened. Also, the biggest lie I always tell myself is, “I do not need to write that down. I will remember it all.” 

The difference between Genius and stupidity is that Genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

The difference between a Genius and a Hasher is their ability to follow a trail.(Well at least to the beer)


Let us see if the Geniuses can follow our trail.


More later….

Is that Levrette live Hare-ing?

As the meeting place car park is approached I notice a smattering of Hashers already gathered. This had me wondering if there was only one, would it be a smatter?

As the start time approaches more and more Hashers drift, slowly, into the car park.

Was this due reverence because it being the car park for the Cemetery I wondered.I was also thinking it was good forward planning by the Hares as any fatalities on the trail could just be propped up against the gate to wait until the Monday morning, when the day shift arrives for work.

Have you ever wondered why they build a high wall around a cemetery because of all the films I have ever seen it never, ever, stops the risen from the dead Monster, or Ghouls from getting out. As if a small wall could stop them?

If you believe in life after death, how do you know you are not dead?

(get on with it, this isn’t philosophy 101! – ed)

We were warmly greeted by our tame, newly made French person, Levrette, handing out an assortment  of French type stuff to wear.

No, I do not mean a string of Onions, or Letters,…………………. 

Reminds me of a Canadian shopping experience I once encounter as I overheard it, in the Calgary pharmacy,the following conversation……….

Cowboy; “Give me three packets of Condoms, please.”

Cashier;”Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy; “Nah, She’s fairly good looking…..”

……….but she was brandishing a collection of Tri coloured glitter wigs, red, white, and blue garlands, and for some strange reason Sailors Hats.

Those poor Sailors never knew what hit them. They are probably still trying to recover in the back alleys in the port of Toulon.

Really adopting the culture.

There will be a guillotine for the Shit of the Week next.

Talking of hats did you know that it is physically impossible to try on a Fez without doing a Tommy Cooper impersonation.

(Photo since nobody under 50 will know what you are talking about – ed)

Sadist started proceedings by giving a description of the markings for the benefit of the visitor from New York, plus Ball Baring’s virgin, Fred, and the permanently bewildered.,This consisted of  telling all, running, or walking, to following the flour until a circle was reached, then continue until a cross was reach and then return to the circle.

Continue in this fashion until the beer stop was found. Oh, and something about a back check, whatever that was.

Introductions, instructions and preliminaries over we commence with an eager Padre already half way out of the car park, power walking his way to the start of the trail underneath the cool arbour of the forest canopy high above.Levrette was jogging trying to keep up when she noticed Padre returning as he figured, sneaky Sadist had us impatiently going the wrong way due to the keenness of the runners to get moving and were following each other like headless chickens instead of the Trail.

Obey the manta……..”Follow the flour not the person in front.”

It did not take too long for Modesty and his two rug rats to catch up and take the lead.

Competitive running from Jonathan aged 10 and Sophie aged 8 two, very enthusiastic, Front Running Bastardettes. (F.R.B.’s)Dad did not seem in the least bit worried about leaving them behind. Being a scientist he was probably thinking of natural selection.

Being such a tender age I wondered how long they would be able to keep that speed going.

Much longer than most and for much longer than I ever thought possible.

I think they were a little worried about being left behind in the woods.

I know I was.

F.R.B’s with Ladies Walking Brigade, (L.W.B.) following closely on behind with Farty Bum and Martyn way behind.The first few checks safely negotiated we find ourselves running (Running?  Ed.) down the fall line. A neatly cut, clear line, down through the trees and undergrowthand intersperse with manhole covers. Although I believe the permanently offended, snowflakes and Berkeley’s City Council, now insist we call them person covers. 


Modesty will be pleased as he returns to this wonderful area in the land of Fruits and Nuts after his brief sojourn to normality with us here.

Talking of which, all those spiders…. does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Support Group has a website? And see how long this one takes you…………….

What were we running over? At the bottom of the hill all became clear, or should I say a muddy brown colour and for the colour blind, a strong whiff.It would appear the main sewer pipe had sprung a leak.

Sadist wouldn’t would he?

He is getting soft in his old age and had locate a “little, pig run,” through the undergrowth at right angles to the trail, just before the expletives. This led us directly up, and some more up, and then some more, to the welcomed relief of a tarmac road and any expletives which were redundant at the bottom of this slope were all used up.

Nothing wasted there, Sadist.

Remarkably we were all, more or less, together as we had deep breathing exercises at the top.

Drunksophilia our visitor from New York was, understandably, finding our normal running terrain a little challenging, but was pleased to see that a few of the support riders  from the Tour de France had managed to find time to detour and escort him back to the Peloton.

Just what we need now, a quick stretch of the legs with some road work and then back into the woods for some more up..Modesty, still out in front but his children, not surprisingly, are beginning to slow, thus allowing the older members the joy of reaching the next checkalmost all together. 

Then the cunning piece of work by the Hare disguising the “V ,” for a view stop, by extending the arms, to make it look like a cross.

(Yes, just like a cross -Bull-shit, Bull-shit, smells like bullshit to me ;Ed)

We all retrace our steps to be greeted by a grinning Hare walking towards us, congratulating us, saying for us to go back and continue but past the,”V .”

Some were suggesting a Shit of the Week nomination for somebody. Either Levrette or Padre..Who will win when we vote in the circle? There was even talk of a second referendum to ensure the correct decision was reached.

We just need Noel Edmonds to sort it all out…… Deal or no deal.

pfwaw, poufaw puffpuff, wiff WiFi waff, millions of pounds, guff giff gaff poufaw wishy wish washy Corbyn, hisss fafaf falafel fun, Yours ever…


From this point on followed a series of Bluffs from the Hare as we all knew we had to go up to the road to reach the car at the beer stop.

So we all took it in turns to go up Levrettes Falsies. Cumalot, Prestresses, Modesty, Prestressed and Padre all fell for the bait, I do not know how Elizabeth N.N. avoided all these,until on the “nth,” attempt we found what we were looking for, the B.N. sign with the relief the refreshment car was near.

A quickish Beer Stop with all the usual goodies on offer and we are off again.

 Nothing much to report on the second part except getting going again after the stop was difficult but somehow we all managed it.

However, Sophie impressed us all with her acting skills as she suddenly developed a pronounced limp.

Worth an Oscar nomination for best supporting actor. (And before the pendants revolt, actor is the generic term for both Male or Female. Ed.)

We all became a little strung out, in the physical sense not the mental, as we progress until we reached a fork in the road with no idea of where the trailwent until we found an arrow tucked around the corner pointing up. Strange we all thought, for by now we were all back together again due to the “Lost,”trail markings.

And from here a gentle run in to the end to be greeted, a short time later, by Levrette demanding to know why we had finished Sadist’s Trail so quickly.

She was brandishing her numerous pages of notes as she interrogated us one by one wanting to know why we had not run pages four and five.

As she said, “You Geniuses can not even follow a trail.”

It was gently pointed out that as we were all back at the start we must have done something right.

So just to cheer her up, I know she does not like all the packaging so prevalent on today’s products………………………………….

Then the circle with a special rendition of the French National Anthem, Hash style, followed by the awards; 

Hares; Sadist and Levrette. With a mention in dispatches to Sadist for devotion to duty after his little episode of “Rock Diving.” and impersonation of the Black Knight in Monty Python.

Never mind all the blood it is only a scratch

No Mug; Mad Max

Returners; Modesty, Jonathan, Sophie and Daniel

Visiting Hasher; all the way from New York, Drunksophlia

Misleading Marks (?) Prestessed and Padre

Attending “Hooray Henley,” event as representatives of the Riviera HHH

Virgin; Fred

Shit of the Week; Nominations are……

Modesty for his Scatological photography. He said it was all done in the best possible taste with his artistic photograph of a dog turd in the centre of the check circle.(Not sure he should have the full credit for this as one of the Hares had carefully placed the flour around the offending package. 

Sadist or Levtette, that is the question. Ed.

Sadist; Trampling all over the French Flag.

And the winner was???????????

Then all off to the nearby campsite for lunch.

Goat cheese salad to start, followed by Fish with rice, almost biblical as they managed to feed 16 of us with what seemed like five fish,

And what do you call a Fish with, “No Eyes.”

Answer, A Fsh.

(Do not know what happened to the meat option, as I figure it is almost a statistical impossibility for all 16 of us to choose fish option. Ed.)

I think somebody jumped up and down because magically a large dish of extra fish and some rice suddenly appeared And dessert of Fruit Tart and Cream

At least the conversation and clothes swapping helped to take our mind off what was placed in front of us.

Prestressed started it all off with the waitress wearing his hat, and he hers, It went downhill from there.

Do not worry as all the incriminating photographs are in a safe place, at least until they are required.

Like this one – Ed

Padre said he wanted to rip her knickers off as the elastic was cutting into him.

And Bigamy was explained as, “Having one wife too many.” Somebody said it was the same a being married to just one.

Cumalot got into a deep conversation regarding house work with Levrette and my Mother’s favourite poem might hel them to come to some agreement over the issue.

This may help……….

Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

OnOn to the next on in Utelle!

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