Walkers Report #970 – Iron Lady and Pilchard’s Tanneron Tales

There was a good turn out for Iron Lady and Pilchards’ run and walk in the Mimosa forests of Tanneron on this day of blue skies and sunshine. Everyone in the Alpes Maritimes  thought so too as all the car parks were full to bursting.

We kicked off with the usual short briefing, which is meant to help new members understand how to follow the trails. So far this run was significant with its remarkably simple and easy to understand instructions to the meeting point. But this was soon sharply contrasted by complicated and contradictory run / walk instructions as the hares discussed markings in front of us giving us all some laughs and, frankly, the less you remembered of their instructions, the better.

The walkers took off with a flying start uphill towards the entrance of the restaurant where our Hare, Iron Lady, caught an edge and threw herself to the ground with a heavy fall. Fortunately Iron Lady  is actually made of iron. She has iron knees and, after a  brief recovery period, was able to dust herself down and continue on the trail.

By now the walkers had wandered in several different directions as the trail was marked by arrows in chalk in the village – one feature of the trail markings which had not been explained at the briefing- and it took a while for most of us to reassemble, though Sadist was already out of sight never to emerge again until the Beer stop.

Hash walkers were honoured this time with the company of our Hash Flash, Levrette, commissioned to get the most sensational photos of the remaining Mimosa blooms which hadn’t yet been picked by the hoards of other hikers out the same day.

Our walkers VIP visitor, Hash  Flash, Levrette

Some remaining yet-to-be-pinched Mimosa blooms

A short way into our walk and after much explanation from our Hare, we split into two walking teams: those to follow the  easy route and those to follow the more ‘sportive‘ route. 

But after ending up in someone‘s back yard, the ‘sportive‘ group  realised there was no marked trail, because no one, not even the  Hare knew where to go!

Back together after a cautionary lecture from the hare on how to avoid private tractor  trails, we regrouped and continued our trail which eventually broke out on to a balcony with a tremendous vista view of Mimosa forest, terraces  and the Alpes in the distance.


During our every-increasingly comfortable stroll uphill, our Hare, Iron Lady, regrouped us several times to share with us the lengthy history  of ‘how the hash was planned’. Several times our attention was drawn to faint flour markings  where she and Pilchard  had stopped and discussed the choice of route.  

With her guidance, we were able to see exactly where the trail  had once been  laid incorrectly much earlier and then she explained meticulously  just how this trail had been carefully wiped out and set again. This could only be identified if you stopped several times and looked really, really carefully. Then you could just about make out where the  once important lines of flour had been laid.

It was all quite captivating, especially the where she actually demonstrated ‘live with flour’ in front of us, just how the Walkers hare had actually assumed the responsibility to set a most critical  ‘On In‘ marking for the runners route. The virgin trail setters are truly privileged to witness this key part in the run setting process.  Other passers by may have thought we were part of a Foreign Professional Nature Tour – only Iron Lady  failed to provide a simultaneous translation of this riveting trail information in three languages.

After our lesson in markings, we arrived at the beer-stop which our intrepid beer mistress, Farty Bum had still somehow managed to stock appropriately, despite her car breaking down on the way to the Hash.  She had courageously sacrificed her husband’s company and left him with a split fan belt. So Sadist had been called in to rescue the beer supplies and  provide an emergency beer car. Sadist was the only hasher with an appropriate  yellow hash shirt  and as the beerstop had a panorama view of the mimosa filled landscape  many photoshots were taken.

Before the start of the second half of the walk, we received another briefing. This time, those that wanted a slightly more ‘sportive‘ experience could walk with the Runners hare, Pilchard, or take the easier official walkers  route. So we ‘sportive‘ types tried again to get some serious exercise and this time, we found the trail. It was partly the same trail we had done on first half only  this time, we had the benefit of Pilchard’s explanation of the various tactical, logistical and strategic decisions leading to the markings which were just about visible to the naked eye and which had previously been incorrectly laid but now eclipsed by  actual  ‘Official Route‘..for the runners.

Back at the circle, our Honourable Sadist took the initiative to lead the ‚down-downs‘ ceremony for us, in the absence of our regular dignitaries.

It was a hilarious and  lively circle where several virgin Hashers were introduced and Supermarket Trolley celebrated her actual birthday with champagne and a delicious cream cake provided by Iron Lady.

Three virgins were introduced in the circle:

Ulrike  from Germany and a virgin hasher  from Ireland introduced by Buns.

Smelly Pooh introduced a virgin who is a retired Colonel from the French Military, who arrived in his convertible Mercedes tank. 

Pilchard explained   that  a ‘Colonel ‘ in French military terms means  a ‘Corporal‘ in the English military.  

However the French ‘Petit Corporal’ was not someone to be taken lightly by the English.

Down downs were given to

The virgins

Supermarket Trolley for her birthday

Farty Bum  substituting for Mad Max  for  a breakdown for the beercar

Iron Lady for flour offences

It was significant also in that a Virgin was crowned ‚Shit of the Week‘.
A first maybe for the Hash.

Well, I’m not sure exactly why he was made ‘Shit of the Week ‘,  possibly it was because he over-performed and ran incredibly well, even better than the Hare, possibly  it was for bringing in  intellectual concepts to hashing.

But he was a great sport and was this immediately promoted to ‘The General‘.


The corporal Colonel being promoted to “The General”

Finally the fun and games were over and it was off to the restaurant, which hopefully had lots of ice for Iron Lady to soothe her now-swollen knee!

Many thanks, Hares, for all the fun and laughs and for the hard work invested.

Thanks also to those of you who introduced the virgins.

We hope to see them again.

‘On, on’ to the next one …….

Walkers Report #963 – FartyBum Pulls the Wool Over Our Eyes in Cagnes

Hares: Farty Bum

Another exquisite day of sun to visit another exquisite area on the Côté d’azur! Farty Bum, the Hash (everything), graciously offered to hare at the last minute as SMT had difficulty getting someone to do this earlier.

Cleverly, she chose to set this run close to her home, but after partially setting her woollen run, she discovered that our hash coincided with the Nice Marathon! With many cautious warning about potential traffic, parking problems, and the fear that the hash runners might be mistaken for the marathoners, we settled on a fairly late start, and encountered no problems!

We started by greeting Confusion’s two invitees, and were then educated about Farty Bum’s woollen markings. Having studiously listened to our instructions, off went the runners winding our way through the town streets. We ran along a little riverside for a while, and then the easy running was over.

We suddenly headed up, up up, into the old village of Haut Cagnes. Jobsworth and Malcolm were charging ahead uphill, but Buns, craftily used the excuse of a view stop to take photos to help all the Hashers catch their collective breaths. The front runners were called back to have their photos taken and we all enjoyed the views and the break from the pull of gravity.

After this brief halt, we were then directed by Cumalot to an interesting home with a creative bent. We observed many rustic and amusing sculptures,

but Cumalot was more interested in having us observe the name of the house. We studied the apparently African seeming name, trying to understand it’s meaning. Approximately it was Wairda Fakarwi I’ll tell you the English translation – Where the fuck are we!

Note the house name!

We carried on up hill happily following our pink wool markings and eventually wove our way up through the pretty winding streets of Haut Cagnes. At the very top we again took advantage of the the wonderful views from the old square to take some more photos.

After a welcome break, we trotted back downhill with visions of a nearby beer check in our minds. We easily followed the pink woollen markings back to the area we had already passed. No problem, we thought. Farty Bum had already warned us that we would cross the trail previously run, and we were to continue straight on. After numerous failures, we eventually gave up and called FB to get us back on track. Apparently we had run a good portion of the run backwards, and once straightened out, we were again envisioning a nearby beer check. Ha! Not to be, we ran and ran and ran through the streets trusting in Cumalot’s supposed knowledge of the area to guide us to the Beer Check. (We harassed poor FB into giving us her run map in order to ensure we knew where to find the Beer!)

A joyous arrival at the beer check soon turned sour when we realized the car containing the beer and treats was locked, and no one had the key.

No worries, we had a bit of sunshine, so we sat on the curb, and awaited the walkers and our hare.

FB arrived after a brief interval, and we quickly snatched the key from her and gobbled down the beer, chips and peanuts. Not long after the walkers started to straggle in, and we exchanged notes about our tour of the area.

Although a lovely sunny day, the wind had picked up, and we had all cooled down, so the runners were keen to get going.

Lazy Smelly Pooh and Buns chose to walk a direct route to the parking lot and circle. They arrived shortly after our hare in her car, and we soon were reunited with our fellow runners. Apparently they too took a bit of a short cut, but did enjoy the sea views, as they ran along the waterfront.

Eventually the walkers straggled in, and we circled up to review the events and misdeeds which occurred during the walk/run.

Cumalot got a down down for exhausting some female Hashers the night before, not to say anything about the Spanish male bartender!?

Buns was given a down down for recruiting a potential new youngish female future hasher. We encountered her just as she was trying to drag a Christmas tree into her home which she told us had just been bought from Lidl. Luckily for her Pilchard explained that the only way someone could enter our very exclusive club was to have purchased a tree from Lidl!

We had a first at our hash!

A non-human was the shit of the week! Coke Hound, nominated by her hash mum, was punished for almost taking out poor unamed Malcolm with a tripping hazard caused by her leash. Bad Girl! Silly Hashers asked who would take the down down for her, and she proved herself to be a proper Hasher.

Coke Hound AKA Smudge taking her down down for Hash Shit of the week!

Getting cold and hungry the crowd dispersed and headed off to the chosen restaurant for further festivities.

A big thanks to FB for taking on another task for our group

On On!


Walkers Report #958 – No Satisfaction, Pilchard and the Belle Epoque!

Hares: No Satisfaction And Pilchard

Run report  958 a walker’s  view

the version with pictures is Here

‘Where do you go to my Lovelies?’ asks Peter Sarstedt.

Well it depends on your SatNav- mine took me round in a couple of circles before arriving  at the designated meeting point in Juan les Pins. Undoubtedly the what3words   realness.difficult.atoning was  the appropriate reference if you were trying to find a parking space.

Trying to find  a good  what3 words square is always interesting- would  overheating. sweat.conditioning  nearby  have been  off putting? Or silliness.descriptions.longish  been  accurate?

We set off down avenue Notre Dame, a road lined on both sides by huge old olive trees- was this once an olive orchard? But then  I couldn’t remember whether I had locked my car  so I set off back to check. Of course it was locked;  so now I had to catch up, hoping that  it would be easy to follow the trail and catch the group.

There is a public WC  at the edge of the Pinede, which is a useful thing to remember, so I took advantage of this and on coming out I met Fairy Plunger. He  was looking lost and had been late  for the start due to a drive up to Tourrettes sur Loup to search for his  phone which it turned out he  had dropped inside his vehicle. So we both had to look for the trail as by now the walkers group must be miles ahead. Arrows pointed down to the path along the sea edge. We went through a very nice  restaurant; I bet it was a bit too close to the water’s edge when the wind got up  at lunchtime.Then further along the path there were sun worshippers  getting  top-ups to their tanned bodies. Now it is questionable whether you should look towards  them- will they be the beautiful female bodies and the handsome Adonises? or will they be  tubs of lard lounging like overweight seals.  Best not to stare. Chalk marks and flour  were easy to follow until we got to  the boatyard where the trail could not be seen; but then we got back to the road and I noticed an arrow up the Chemin du Crouton.

Markings here were easy to follow. Although we were passing  many  expensive villas  there is little visible of what must be behind the walls. Only a villa called Mistinguett   had a very fancy gateway- no plaque on the road to say that Mistinguett lived here- she was apparently a famous music hall dancer known for her legs- she must have revealed a couple of inches above her ankles  and driven men mad. One of the most famous villas on the Cap D’Antibes was the Villa America owned by Gerald and Sara Murphy in the Twenties but the villa itself was  rather unprepossessing- fame came from the parties and the guests who came.

‘To The Lighthouse’ is almost the motto of a hash set by No Satisfaction. Fairy Plunger didn’t think we were anywhere near the lighthouse, but there it was ahead of us. The way up  was to follow the Chemin du Calvaire , a rocky penitential path leading up to the chapel of the Garoupe. In July each year there is a procession  bearing a statue from the cathedral in the old town of Antibes to the chapel so the last bit up the hill must be difficult  as the path would not pass any health and safety regulations.. As Fairy Plunger and I got there, hoping for the beerstop, the walkers group was  preparing to leave as there had just  had a shopping break at all the stalls around the Chapel. No Satisfaction said that the beerstop was   just down the hill. So we continued down and soon we were at the main road  by the beach. The road is Boulevard du Bacon but I have no idea  whether the road is named after Francis Bacon, ( a 13th century philosopher and Franciscan friar), Roger Bacon ( a philosopher and adviser to Elizabth I and James I ) or Francis Bacon ( a recent painter known for  particularly tortuous portraits of popes). None of these I suspect.  There is a Restaurant de Bacon which you would hope  specialises in bacon sandwiches for all the walkers and joggers going round the Cap, but I don’t think you could get a BLT there. The recent trip advisor comments are not very favourable.

More to the point was the beer stop on the other side of the wall from the road. Farty Bum had not been warned to supply bacon flavoured crisps but the beer and crisps and chocolate! were most welcome. It was a delightful spot  with views to the old town of Antibes and the baie des Anges, with great views of a sailing regatta where the boats were heeling over beautifully in the offshore wind which had developed.

After the beerstop photos we started back. I thought I was following  the group but apparently not- I was the only walker to do the trail back which went through a path through the woods after a couple of tricky paths. No Satisfaction had devised a shortcut for the walkers group who were all back at the start by the time I got there.

RUN Report #955 – Sadist, Pilchard and the Alien Invasion of Vence!

Hares: Sadist And Pilchard

Starting in the depths of the forests of Vence, outside a cemetery, our rather small group gathered for another sizzling Hash run/walk.

Our hares, Sadist guiding the walkers and Pilchard attempting to guide the walkers set out on a twisty falsie filled event. 

Under the careful scrutiny of the pompiers, we set off into the tinderbox of the forest.

Smelly Poo immediately showed her form and left all the other runners in her dust. As we encountered a tricky check with numerous possibilities a gracious Pilchard subtly indicated the correct direction, or we would have been there for an hour or so looking for the trail. On on and and away to the next check. Buns, headstrong, assumed incorrectly a lazy falsie, and Pilchard was again enlisted to shepard her back to the pack. Eventually the runners and walkers briefly met up and then we staggered uphill out of the shade of the forest, into the shimmering heat of city roads. 

Here we were stunned by and alien space ship, but no worries, we all ran so fast the none of us were probed!

The Aline craft was spotted, despite its camouflage

After that terrifying encounter off we went on a perpetual uphill until we realised we weren’t on trail. A mystifying semi covered blob of flour sent us up and up until we realised we were running blind. After consulting with Pilchard, we finally encountered the real trail and we chugging along until we encountered the great pumpkin patch

A pod that will be a human clone was growing near the ship.

As there was no sign of Charlie Brown or Linus, off we trudged under the glowering Baou of Vence. Here we sighted a Mansion perfectly situated to make us all feel inadequate. Oh well, we should, as Hashers, be used to this feeling.

The Alien base, disguised as a luxury mansion.

We finally encountered the walkers again, and soon saw the blessed oasis of the beer check. Situated on a busy roundabout with Giraffes overlooking the puzzled drivers, we greedily poured the beers down our parched throats. Pilchard was so out of it he mistakenly guzzled a non-alcoholic beer, and produced some disgusting sound to indicate his disgust. 

The walkers and runners, now nourished, proceed on their way with slightly changed numbers as Buns faded into a walker.

A nice ramble back into the woods finally led us back past the vigilant pompiers, where we circled up and assessed the run/walk

The Aliens who have taken over the bodies of Hashers

I can’t remember all the down downs, but it seem to me that Buns had apparently committed numerous infractions.

We finally brought out chairs and meals and enjoyed a picnic. Pre-stressed kindly brought along some shrimp salad to share (as well and the always appreciated gin and tonics)

Iron Lady also brought a couple or desserts for all to enjoy.

Another successful hash cums to and end!

RUN Report #949 – The first Virtual Beerstop?

Hares: Cumalot/Heavy Pants. And Pilchard!

RUN Report #949

Cumalot had convoked us to a COVID compliant hash  starting in the St Philippe casino carpark at what3words  primary.shelf.waffled – we could have been a couple of metres away at screeches.tomcat.warblers which might have been more interesting. It was a huge carpark where I found Philippe looking lonely but he said it was the right place. Eventually  we were joined by others returning from positioning the beer car. A cold overcast  morning (but of course it never rains on the hash), we were 9 and so complied with the 10 person group limit- we waited a bit for Buns who had registered  but had not arrived  in  time  and then  decided to start, leaving the hares  to lay extra flour for her to follow  in case she turned up.

It looks nothing like him!

The runners set off- 2 hares and Supermarket Trolley. The rest of us walkers went with Cumalot   onto the bus/tram road. The French postmodernist thinkers in the administration have declared the new bus/tram to be a tram, so it’s a tram, but in fact it is just a bus. Has anyone used it? Does it have any features of a tram such a bells and musical jungles? Well we didn’t see it although Cumalot said there was a frequent service.

After 5 minutes FartyBum announced that she would not be getting Shit of the Week this time – then  decided to check if she had the keys for the beer car- she searched through her bag a couple of times then remembered she had left them in her other bag which she had left in Supermarket Trolley’s car. No point in going back as SMT would be miles away  on the runners’ trail-so we just went on knowing there would be no beer  and that the runners wouldn’t know that.

This is where Farty Bum was 10 mins into the Walk

The terrain was very up and down taking us to a stream which must join up with La Brague and here was a tricky set of stepping stones helped by an old pallet in the middle of the stream- I think we all managed to cross without incident. The rain was holding off and the tracks were not too muddy but  potentially dodgy  on the slippery paths with rocky traps and  nasty drops on the side.

Soon we reached the beercar- but no key/no beer. There is supposed to be a spare key hidden somewhere, but FartyBum didn’t remember where (we have had this problem before – we must ask Mad Max to show someone where it is). So we just waited for the runners to arrive- quite a long time- Cumalot said the walkers went too fast and that the runners had a long trail 7.7km checking out all the falsies as the hares couldn’t remember what the correct trail was.

A good meme is worth repeating

Of course there were stories about placing the beer car. The marked parking places had been  full  so FB had decided to park on the grass; however, due to the mud, the wheels just spun around-FB couldn’t cope so Pilchard had volunteered to take over the driving and find a better place  and in order to  manoeuvre asked  FB  where was reverse on the gear stick- FB said she didn’t know whether it was up or down, in or out  or push or pull. Pilchard using  tank driving experience managed to move the car to a better position.

Its good to have Pilchard back!

Back at the start the beers soon arrived as well as crisps and peanuts Cumalot was offering doughnuts. A short circle was  held.

After the beerstop the journey home was announced as being fairly short. SMT and FartyBum set off early to  rescue the car keys and the beercar. The rest of us strolled back past a housing development with the appalling name of….


Down downs for

The hares– Cumalot, Heavy Pants and Pilchard (now the perpetual co-hare)

Farty Bum– for forgetting how to drive in reverse.

Philippe in honour of the start at St Philippe

Heavy Pants for  forgetting where the right trail was at the check

Pilchard– for fouling the trail

Shit of the week nominations for- Prestressed ( Heavy Pants as stand-in) for proposing Cumalot as Hare and not turning up

And we voted for FartyBum for the obvious offence.

Due to COVID the weather wasn’t right for continuing with a picnic so we went home to meet up later in the day on a Zoom hash.


The Scribe

After not being able to go to the bar for 6 month, home entertaining has become popular